Thoughts on Eating Disorders

My personal reflections from experience with anoreixa

Do you know anyone who’s ever struggled with an eating disorder? In this culture we live in nowadays there is a lot of pressure to look a certain way. We are getting bombarded with mixed messages from a young age about how we should act, look, and behave. Popular culture comments on the body types of celebrities and many can’t seem to win. In one picture a woman looks “too large or fat” and then the next picture she “looks too skinny.” This objectification of bodies is toxic. Many people don’t understand anorexia or eating disorders. Many people think that all the person needs to do is just “eat more food” and “get over it already.” So much emphasis is placed on eating food and gaining weight and the root cause of the problem is often ignored. Eating disorders have very little to do with food and so much to do with self-esteem, worth, confidence, and the desire to live. It’s also quite common that people with these struggles are highly sensitive and intuitive humans who have a harder time living in the real world. Eating disorders are a way to disappear from life and to reject yourself before anyone else can reject you. They are also about control and a frustration related to desire and power.

What Is An Eating Disorder

According to Chat GPT, an eating disorder is a complex mental health condition characterized by persistent disturbances in eating behaviors, thoughts, and emotions related to food, body image, and weight. These disorders often result in serious physical, emotional, and social consequences and may stem from a combination of genetic, biological, psychological, and cultural factors. Common eating disorders include anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder, and other specified feeding disorder. Eating disorders can affect people of any age, gender, ethnicity, or background and often co-occur with other mental health conditions, such as anxiety or depression. Treatment typically involves a multidisciplinary approach, including medical, psychological, and nutritional support.

It Started Young

I developed anorexic behavior from a very young age. My parents got divorced when I was 8 and I started to use food as a way to control something in my life. I would chew and spit out large quantities of food and since this was hard to hide, I turned to just restricting food. This habit I developed out of fear and unconsciousness helped me feel safe in a world that was scary and out of control. What started off as a coping mechanism spiraled into an obsession and I became addicted and high from how little I could eat and tracked my calories, compared myself to super models in magazines, and really loathed my body and self. I had such an intense fear of getting fat and really could not see myself clearly at all. To be clear, I have never been fat in my entire life. I have always been thin. But in my minds eye and perception, I was huge and didn’t deserve to eat.

Where Is That Bottom?

I still remember that day that I called my Mom before I was supposed to do a music therapy practicum. Here I was being trained to facilitate healing for groups of people with music and I hadn’t healed deep parts of myself. It became obvious to me that I wasn’t functioning right and needed help. I finally uttered the words out-loud that day to my Mom and supervisor, “I think I have an eating disorder.” That was at age 25, after struggling with this silent beast since age 10. Things moved quickly after that and I withdrew from school and went into a treatment center. The treatment center was fundamentalist Christian and really triggered me. This was exactly what I needed as it pushed me to stand up for myself. I found my voice again and chose to fight for my life. I ended up leaving this center AMA (against medical advice) with permission from my parent and flew home to do the healing journey on my own. I realized that the strict values of the center were not a match for me and knew I needed help, but that it wouldn’t be from that place.

It’s Not About The Food

Right before I went into treatment every person I knew bought me snacks or foods and forced me to take it with me. Upon arrival at the treatment center they made me throw away all of the snacks and food items and said I wasn’t allowed to have food outside of the scheduled meals. It’s like people thought it should be really simple. You are thin, all you need to do is just eat. Why won’t you eat? And it’s because it has very little to do with the food. The food does get entangled in there but really its related to much deeper emotional wounds.

For me the root of the issue was that I didn’t feel “good enough” or safe. I felt insecure about myself, my body, and my status in the world. I did not feel loved by my father, in fact I was rejected by him and never met his high standards. My parents got divorced, and even though this was technically good for my Mom, it had a negative effect on me. I had to go back and forth between my parents house and I hated my Dad. Every time I was at his house I suffered emotionally. I turned to food as a way to cope with the stress and intense feelings. I had no way to understand or process these complex feelings within myself. Anorexia is a very private and secretive world. Even as people offered branches along the way I couldn’t allow myself to reach for them. I didn’t feel worthy of fully living and I was terrified to come into my body as I thought I wouldn’t be good enough.

What I Uncovered

Along this journey I have realized many things about myself. I have learned that it is ok to have a body. One of the things I struggled with from a young age was being in a body. I have past life memories of different places and dimensions where I lived as higher vibrational beings, who were less dense and more highly evolved. Incarnating into this form was a big transition for my soul and clinging to anorexia and drugs was a way for me to cope with being in this density and planet. As I awakened I realized that I chose to be here in this body, at this time, and that I could love and care for this body that was housing my soul.

Of course this took time to unravel and understand. In the beginning of my healing journey I had to retrain myself. I worked with a nutritionist and therapist and started processing old emotions and wounds from childhood. I wasn’t sure what would work so I threw myself into affirmations, chanting, yoga, and creative expression. I put up affirmations on every location in my house and started saying positive things about myself constantly. I did yoga, started eating healthier foods, exercising, and connecting to my spiritual self. Beautiful water colors flowed out of me at this stage, as well as improvisational music. Starting on this healing journey opened a well of information about myself, the Universe, and beyond.

Listen To Your Body

It has now been over 14 years since I struggled with anorexia. I do not identify as someone who has one and think that labeling oneself can be tricky. In the beginning of my healing journey it did help to identify with other people online with similar issues and I talked about it a lot. As I grew stronger within myself, I found I needed labels and that support less. It was very interesting to go through my healing journey as I was in school studying music therapy. I was getting trained as a therapist and specialized in the mental health field. I was simultaneously learning, implementing on myself and others, and growing. It was a huge expansion and I’m so grateful for the trainings and experiences.

The biggest thing I learned from this whole experience is that we need to listen to our bodies. Our bodies are vastly intelligent and communicate to use all the time. We just have to pay attention. We have to slow down and tune in and adapt. What works for someone else may not be what you need to do. I am a firm believer that each body needs different fuel and that it’s ok to follow your needs.

The Vegan or Holier Than Thou Trend

Along this healing journey with food I went vegan for 4-years. During this time I was the main chef for my family and the preferred food status was vegan. I do love cooking and enjoyed eating this food, but my body was not at it healthiest. Because I had adopted the morality of vegan culture, I now looked down on or judged others for eating meat or cheese. All the while inside I was craving cheese and protein and I did not listen to my body. I thought I should rise above the cravings and that I was a bad person if I ate meat. See with my eating disorder history it is very easy to fall into disordered eating. If you have any thoughts in your life that “food is bad,” this is a sign of disordered eating. We don’t need this added layer of judgment on ourselves and bodies. I ignored my body for a long time and eventually started getting hurt from teaching yoga and my body wouldn’t heal. I kept having the thought “eat meat” really intensely and finally I gave in. I ate some chicken and within two days my body had healed itself. A light bulb went off in my head, “oh…my body might need meat.” I had to give myself permission to follow my bodies cues. Of course I don’t like the treatment of animals and do think it could be improved. I can be conscious in what I buy and I always bless my food and am grateful for it. All I know is that when I added meat and some dairy back into my diet, I had more energy, strength, and better pallor.

You Do “YOU!”

So do what is best for your body! It’s really easy to just read a book and believe that that diet or trend is best for you. Who knows? It could be, or it could be hurting you. The only viable source you can really trust is your body. Eating foods and paying attention to how they make you feel. If something doesn’t feel good, don’t eat it. If you are craving a certain food, just eat it. Denying oneself just eventually leads to a binge. Then you feel guilty and attach it to eating the food, when really it’s not the foods fault. Practicing moderation and mindfulness goes a long way.

At this point in my life I listen to my body, give it what it wants and needs, and I am the healthiest I have ever been in my life. I am at a weight that is stable, although it is considered low in BMI for a person of my height. I eat well and frequently and engage in exercise and nourishing activities and this is where my body just naturally wants to be. I don’t believe in diets and think that people who stress themselves and bodies out ultimately do not lose weight. The real work is inside. Working on loving that inner child, processing emotional wounds, and practicing loving kindness towards oneself. It’s a whole journey and has growing pains along the way.

I am passionate about supporting people in their own wellness journey and feel that my own personal and professional experiences and trainings make me a great guide. My wish is for each person to love and accept their bodies, just as they are. You can have goals and want to be stronger, or thinner, but for the right reasons. You might find that as you learn to love yourself and open your heart, that the pounds you were holding onto simply melt away. Extra pounds act as protective barriers and if we still have our walls up and feel unsafe, we will never feel safe to shed weight. There are so many different shapes and sizes of bodies and having a healthier appreciation for all sizes would be good. It does seem like ads and media are representing more common people and this is encouraging.

May we all do our best to listen to our bodies, offer a smile to those around us, especially those who might be suffering, and just be kind. Just letting people be who they are without trying to fix or change them goes a long way. Holding space for someone who might be struggling with food or drugs and showing love. That’s all I really needed and wanted was love. I wanted to know that I was loved, I was enough, and that I was safe. So I offer these words and practices to myself and do receive it from others. If you are looking for support in this arena feel free to reach out. Blessings to your journey.